the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
