tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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