Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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