every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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