my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize