i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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