omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
