You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need water and some morals
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
