Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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