why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize