It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
