first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
