I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
