How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
