He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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