and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize