Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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