she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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