If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
