So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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