She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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