btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
