I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
