Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
