in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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