I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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