I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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