So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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