Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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