Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
