i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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