You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
