OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize