THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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