I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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