I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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