totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
