Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
