The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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