He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
