my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
