I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
