Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize