why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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