tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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