I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
3 2 1 whiskey
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
