The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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