you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
