After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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