Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
