I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
