The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
