we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
