I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
