And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
