this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
