yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
