i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
