walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
