I cannot find my penis.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
