Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
