I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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