I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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