You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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